I stepped on a big ol’ rusty nail once. I was walking through some shrubs and on old pile of scrap lumber. I do not remember why. My feet were protected with a flimsy pair of sneakers. I step with such force, the nail went right through the ball of my foot and stuck out of the top of my sneaker. Realizing my error I did the worst thing possible and jumped back. My foot came right out of the sneaker and sock in one smooth motion, leaving the bloody sneaker and sock on the plank. The jump had split about one inch of my foot between the big toe and the next toe.
(I squirm with you to this very day.)
Oddly, despite the blood and a jagged cut, I was not in much pain. Until I saw it. When I pulled my big tow over to assess the damage my eyes must have widened to 3x normal size. Concurrently, the nerve synapses began to fire and the presence of intense, raging, burning, screaming pain reach my brain.
Same thing happened a couple of years later when I nearly lost my pinky in a wood splitter accident. No immediate pain. However, once observing the extent of my mangled extremity, I became acutely aware of my pain.
It seems as long as I remained oblivious to the, otherwise obvious, wound I am fine. As soon as I verify with my sense of sight that which my sense of touch has already reported, the pain arrives in full force. Conversely, as long as I remain blind to my circumstance I can continue on my merry way. I can deny the severity of the problem.
However, once I start poking around, investigating, and going to have a doctor stick needles in there (and scrub with something that looks like a brillo pad!) I know all denial is over and the pain of my reality takes over.
In the case of emotional wounds, I am able the freeze frame at the moment of denial and actually exist (persist?) within that frame for years on end. My mind can deny the reality of whatever might have occurred. As long as I do not investigate or seek to verify or understand the reality of the event, there is no pain.
Of course, as soon as I turned my attention to the ripping and scarring my heart suffered over three decades ago, the pain was immediate and intense. I had no idea how intense. And even though I know the examination and the treatment plan are a necessary part my healing, I do not desire it at all. I would much prefer the pain-avoidance world of denial to this current place.
Much like a physical wound, I cannot rush the healing. The pain and the wound go hand-in-hand. As the physician works at cleaning and dressing my wound, I try to remember he loves me. And I try to remember I can trust him.
Now a days the wood splitters require two hands to operate so they are pretty safe unless of course your dealing with a home made splitter with out any safety features.
Or… if you have one person loading and a second on the lever … and they suffer a “failure to communicate” moment that neither will soon forget.
[I think one of my life's purpose's is to serve as a warning for all who wood follow.] It is good to know they are safer tho. thanks WS.
Yes, emotional healing takes time, too. It’s good to know the one who can heal us and take care of those things which hinder our growth. God is so good to us.
Interesting, this is kind of the cosmic condition of mankind in regard to sin as well. Everyone knows something’s wrong, but only a few take a good look at it and get stung badly to run to the doctor.
Thanks Ron, He is good.
I had not considered applying the pattern to our sin William but it totally applies. I wonder if this pattern was designed to be more than just a convenient metaphor?
I’ve used the “trick” in scary moments not to open my eyes, hoping somehow to minimize the reality.
Didn’t work long-term.
I went to my first Celebrate Recovery open group last night….amazing.
First step: We admit we are powerless over the past, and as a result, our lives have become unmanageable.
In other words: Out of Denialville
That is great news Michelle. I may have to look into a local group like that.
Emotional pain is a lot harder to forget than physical pain. I do have a fairly high tolerance for pain but I can’t stand the sight of blood.
You are right the only way to deal with emotional pain is to acknowledge it, and find a way to work past it. Easier said than done. Tyring to forget, and deny it, just does not work.
Ed, I am with you on that whole blood thing. Especially my own! My tolerance for pain is very low. I just don’t like it all that much.
WOW. When you write … I think about my husband. I know (in my head) that so much of his life is driven by things – very painful things – that happened in the past. He basically lives in Denialville. When I think … really think … about the pain he has felt … I want to break down in sobs that threaten to rip my chest open. Your writing shows me some of the pain that he still conceals. I know it’s in there. I want him free – healed. But sometimes healing – as you’ve said – is more excruciatingly painful than being wounded in the first place. I am so very glad that the hands of the Lord are gentle.
Hi Annie,
My therapist has helped me understand denial as a safe place… not to be confused with a bad place. Were it not for our ability to deny the pain life, we as children would not be able to handle the emotional pain (trauma). Sometimes our denial is so effective we completely blot out the time of the trauma, forgetting blocks of our childhood.
I remember enough that when relayed verbally with my calm, clinical tone, will usually cause the listener a good deal of anxiety. When relaying to my little sister, she cried on the phone uncontrollably. She asked me how I was able to get through the day. I said it was pretty easy really. I just don’t think about it. I am searching to find the same pain she exhibits.
Occasionally, I think I find it…brush up against it and I am crushed. Last session with my therapist she interrupted me with, “BREATHE!” Which snapped me back and I chuckled.
hm. yeah. I can see that. Kind of like the swelling around a sprain (or maybe not). Kind of a cushion so that the area of injury is protected from worse pain. Or – it’s more like you said – physical shock. where you don’t feel the pain for awhile. Or … like a coma. Which, as medical science has discovered, sometimes is necessary for healing. Even though it blocks out whole days, weeks, months of your life. Hm. Yeah.
That coma parallel really fits.
There’s an old Pink Floyd song called, “Comfortably Numb.” Last summer Extreme released a new album with a song entitled, “Comfortably Dumb.” Aren’t song lyrics really poetry to a beat?
I’m paralyzed
Process information at the speed of light
I’m frozen, in motion, desensitized
Over stimulated, matter over mind
Knowing I have become comfortably dumb
I have become comfortably dumb
I must confess
Highly educated in my ignorance
Not stupid, still lucid, indifferent
Watching a world amuse itself to death
I’m muted, I have become comfortably dumb
I have become comfortably dumb
What? When?
Why? Where?
How come?
Who cares?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
No one
How come?
Who cares?
I have become comfortably dumb
I have become comfortably dumb
Take me away, so far away, so far away
Won’t somebody take me away
Take, take it all away
Not that this fits exactly what you are experiencing, but rather speaks to how well society has developed ways to distract ourselves from the pain; and even the distractions have become [seemingly] the cause of the pain.
I think this song speaks to me because I was numb to the pain for so long. Now I can’t go through the day without seeing/hearing/experiencing a situation that I think is devastating. In some ways, the numbness is back – but more like the coma thing I think…only not exactly, because I am still conscious, and still aware – but there must be some kind of coping mechanism at work.
hmmmmm……how am I coping with the pain that I see…
I love that song… at least the lyrics.
Very good analogy Ric – good that you can see it this way.
Can you take it further? Can the mind recover from emotional scars by building a ’scab’ over it ( MUSTN”T PICK Ricky!) like our physical wounds do? Will that scab one day just fall off in the shower – or in bed? And we see the new healing tissue – still raw to the outside world underneath.
Is there an emotional ‘dressing’ we could put over our wound? How often could we change it so the wound does not get infected and become a deeper bigger wound inside?
Interesting thoughts indeed Sir!
You’re doing good Brother.
<B
Interesting thoughts Love… I may have to carry this analogy a little further. Thanks for the encouragement.
[...] one word response: “Great!” I lived in denialville. I went on to explain our family vacations where we would camp on a lake. I proudly reported how [...]