My children learned from me that peace trumps pain every time. Keep the peace — endure personal, intense, life-shattering, traumatic, lonely pain … to keep the peace. I know how to do this well. I am a good teacher. My children are excellent students. My mom does this very well. Some of my siblings do this well. Some siblings would prefer that I continue to practice this learned dysfunctional skill.
But the problem is I know.
I’ve always known.
I’ve endured knowing for decades.
I’ve endured the tears and the uncontrollable crying of those I love.
I’ve endured the pain of abuse,
of being chastised,
of being betrayed,
of being screamed at for knowing,
for knowing and not speaking,
for knowing and speaking,
for fighting and for giving up,
for hiding and for going public.
I have known what it feels like to see the worst in me. I do not need to imagine. I know.
I am tired. Tired of carrying this around. Tired of pretending. Just tired.
We are told to bear each others burdens (Gal 6:2). I am often the one called upon to help someone else. I know how to do that. I am new to calling for help. So, I suppose that is no small part of why I am tired and why I am here.
Filed under: Biographical, Family, aaarrrrgggghhh!!
Hmn. I’m tired, too. And I’m in therapy. No small matter, considering I’ve somehow endured three suicides in the past three years. (Talk about a pain pain pain that never goes away.)
But you know, on the night He was arrested, Jesus prayed. And He said, “If You are willing take this cup from me, but I want Your will to be done, not mine.”
The Book of Luke tells of “an angel who appeared and strengthened him” at that moment.
Even Jesus needed help, Ric. So you’re in some seriously fantastic company. I come here because it’s proof that I am, too.
Thanks Nor, it is comforting to know the company I keep.
Yes, it certainly is. And for me, too.
The problem does not seem to me just that you ‘know’ – but that you both know and feel forced to ‘repress’ this knowledge – that YOU are not to give voice to your burdens so that others may help you bear them.
Satan tries to get us to fear the outcome of revealing Truth, making us believe that it is better to hide an evil than bring it out into the Light. i don’t believe we should ‘listen’ to such as he. To save the guilty from their sin and the consequences of all actions.
For the sake of a peaceful ( fearful, painful) life.
Tam’s recent post concerning her childhood ‘learning’ had one way some can ‘cope’ with the evils of other men, of abuse and the secrets those who perpetrate such fear coming to light, but have no fear of dishing out to the weak and defenceless.
i know there are some arguments that can be mounted against it – but i do believe that Christ followed the Principle that ‘The Truth Shall Set You Free’.
Hiding of the Truth more often merely allows evil to be perpetuated, generation after generation.
WE are told to avoid ‘gossip’, but not speaking out against an evil or wrongdoing.
As for your first line…
it sounds to me more like that particular kind of ‘peace’ causes pain – not trumps it?
On a ‘wider’ perspective – would we expect those suffering slavery, sex trafficking, suppression of their rights by a despot to ‘keep the peace’ and stay silent??
Why is it right to speak out in those cases but not in the situation of abuse in the home??
Why would we fight to overthrow a dictator in a foreign country but keep fearfully silent when it happens to us?
Child abuse is in FAR GREATER proportion in our own homes than a stranger to us ever causes, largely because of the fear of outing the abusers and the desire to personally ‘keep the peace, in part because not to implies we are a failure at raising a ‘good’ family.
Denial is NOT the solution to our society achieving victory over abuse of the strong by the weak ( and i said that the way i meant it!)
Be strong in Him Ric – to do that means to deny the ’self’ and the tiredness it feels.
<B
With my recent revelations, this phenomenon has become increasingly preplexing to me.
Yes, that would be a good and corect lesson to teach our children. I was taught and, in turn, taught exactly what I wrote.
Thanks bLove, for listening.
After a lifetime of enduring, bearing the burdens of others, it would be a miracle if your weren’t mentally exhausted. Especially given the terrible start you had in life.
The important thing to me is not what we “know” but what we do with this knowledge. When we keep a problem locked in inside us that pressure will exhausting our spirit.
One thing you have done is not let your family experience what you went through. Of course that is a giving experience, which can also be exhausting. I hope the love you have received in return has helped revitalize you.
There has to be a balance to life, if you want to keep your spirit healthy. That means both giving and receiving. Too much of either will drain your spirit. I think always saying yes can be just as bad as always saying no.
When our spirit is tired and exhausted we need to find a way to feed it. Find a way to turn off whatever has been draining it away. Find out what it is that makes us feel better. Find a way to keep feeding our spirit with that.
You have the first part down, the knowing part. Good luck with the next part, the doing, changing, part.
I have found one thing that feeds my spirit is poets like you. Thanks for sharing your poems, and pictures, with me.
Thank you Ed for being such an attentive and encourage friend. And you are quite welcome.
Thank you for sharing your struggle.
It’s amazing that the Lord is willing to restore and to use broken people. It’s even more amazing that those who have been broken in some way are the only ones he ever uses fully for his glory.
My own struggles are different from yours (I was not an abused child), but I can still identify with the pain of taking off our masks. There’s freedom in admitting that we and those we love are far, far from perfect…while knowing that God’s grace through Jesus Christ is sufficient.
And thank you Jim, for listening and for encouraging. And yes, He is amazing. De-masking is a very good description of this process.