…often thinks in extremes.
This is All-or-Nothing. Black-and-White. This Ghost of Xtreme Thinking ignores the fact that most things in life are shades of grey rather than absolutes. This ghost deftly twists Christian theology away from we-are-all-sinners to we-are-all-failures to I-am-a-failure.
I set rigid, high standards and when I did not live up to them, I became convinced I was a failure. On the positive side, I was fiercely driven and I would usually excel at whatever I attempted. On the not-so-positive side, I was fiercely driven and I would not attempt some things for fear of failure… because failure meant I, personally, was a failure.
All is fine (ie, manageable) until I get into real relationships… like husband and father, for instance. When faced with mistakes as a husband and father, this ghost would have me believing that I am the mistake, I am the failure. I could not protect them, so I was the failure. Completely.
I think I understand this ghost’s origins. As a 5 to 10 year old boy, I rebelled against my parents for the divorce, the neglect, and the abuse. I was punished, even bruised, for my rebellion. Of course, at the time I did not know what I was doing but then, neither did my parents. In my child mind I was the problem. I was the failure.
I tried. I sat up straight at the table. I said “yes please” and “no thank you.” I ate my vegetables. I cleaned my room. I brought home a good report card. But I continued rebelling (a.k.a., bed-wetting). It was my fault. I was the failure. This dynamic defined my childhood years from 5 – 10. During these years, this ghost moved into my mind and I am only now exorcising him, in Jesus’ name.
Filed under: Family, Friends, Learning, Life, mountains | Tagged: abuse, Ghosts, survivors
Sheesh… I need to get caught up here…. get you on a roll and hang on!
#4 Fear…… I still have fear, in fact, my first reaction at times when I need to deal with something hard, is to “make it sound good” so I’m not judged out of fear.
“I am painfully careful to not reveal too much truth. I am still fearful of how those I love will react to the truth.” Yup, that’s it right there…. unfortunately this runs over even into relationships with people who just don’t know you all that well… but I’m getting better, which comes from really believing in who HE says I am..
#5 Compulsive need: Intimacy… sigh
I could never get this one right and really don’t have alot to say here, but the Lord is teaching me, as we speak that this “I do find intimacy alone with the one who loves my soul. ” is more than sufficient to meet all of my needs…
#6 “Adults who were abused as children often exhibit a compulsive behavior of avoidance and distancing.” Sigh… I’m avoiding this one ;
#7 Honestly I have never had this. I am over the top the other way. I NEVER under react to anything… I know some people wish I would, but maybe it’s the frustration getting out that I haven’t dealt with, I’m not sure. I really am working on the over reacting… learning how to just let things slide. Funny that i am so opposite on this.
#8 Wow, this one got me. I still have these thoughts, “I was the problem. I was the failure.” almost daily..
Guess I still have a ways to go. I’m glad we’re on this journey together. Thank you for these Ric, you are forcing me to keep going too…. love you bro.
Hey Debs, I am sorry you can relate to so many of these but I am glad these ramblings are of some help to you. Honestly tho, I am writing these mostly for me… I want to name ‘em all.
I’m very glad you’re doing this, it’s something I’ve never thought about doing and helps a great deal to see where I’ve been and how far I need to go still. But yes, I know, it’s all about you…
Thanks Ric!
By the by, your “ghosts” reminded me of this poem by Emily Dickinson and I thought you’d appreciate it.
Ghosts
One need not be a chamber to be haunted,
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.
Far safer, of a midnight meeting
External ghost,
Than an interior confronting
That whiter host.
Far safer through an Abbey gallop,
The stones achase,
Than, moonless, one’s own self encounter
In lonesome place.
Ourself, behind ourself concealed,
Should startle most;
Assassin, hid in our apartment,
Be horror’s least.
The prudent carries a revolver,
He bolts the door,
O’erlooking a superior spectre
More near.
Thanks for sharing Emily Dickinson’s Ghosts, G. That poem does sum it it up rather… chillingly.
Again, it is probably a matter of degree because i am convinced that our human brains will often use an extreme to determine ‘our’ position or feelings on any given matter.
Humans need certainty and if you have ever done a jigsaw puzzle with a large area of sky you may have tried to pick the most ‘extreme’ colours to more easily be certain of where in the sky some bits will go. then as the extremes get all used up we are left with a lot of pieces where we become very uncertain of which piece is ‘darker blue’ than another.
That is where our certainty leaves us and it becomes difficult to find where to put the next piece. This is what happens when we try to see all the shades of grey and not just the ‘black and white’ extremes – we get very confused and find it is hard to make sense of all the pieces and where they properly fit.
When things happen in our ( early) lives that we don’t yet fully understand the reasons for we try to seek out some extreme – some certainty we can rely upon in our life. we all do it – but the greater the struggle to understand the uncertainty’s – the more tightly we will fix on an extreme to compensate for it.
Whenever we get involved in a one on one relationship the MOST we can ever contribute to it is 50% – that is the limit of our responsibility in the relationship. and theirs also. You are never anywhere near 100% responsible for anything involving two people.
With you and your step-dad’s case, he may have provided all the abuse – but you accepted the role he wanted you to believe that you were the failure. You believed the lie eventually.
Each contributed to it, one by their acts one by their believing of the lie and holding on to that belief long after the acts ceased..
And on the subject of extremes for man – is there any greater extreme than Jesus’ example?
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