…may go on to abuse others and/or abuse self.
Number thirteen is the ugliest ghost of them all. In my personal life, the focus of my scorn, anger, and contempt has always been me. I treated myself in a manner I would not wish upon the most despicable among us. I simply did not love who I am.
Here are the questions I struggled with this year:
- If a child witnesses a crime and does not tell, what does that make him? Guilty or Scared?
- If an adult chooses to trust someone, who is guilty of past criminal behavior, what does that make him? Forgiving or Naive?
- But what if an adult chooses to trust someone, who is guilty of past criminal behavior, with his children… What would that make him then? Clueless? Enabler? Accessory?
My ghosts would have me believe I am a guilty, naive, and clueless man who enabled criminal behavior.
I know (in my cranium) the answer to each question is actually one word, traumatized. It took me a while (okay, decades) to realize this is where I camped out. Moved in. Lived. Oddly enough, traumatized was my comfort zone. My normal.
Moving away from traumatized meant moving out towards all those painful answers — not to camp there in the pain — but to get past all the pain to something unseen. Unseen by me at least.
So I am venturing, ever so painstakingly, towards new territory, my new normal. And although I do not much care for it, it is the truth and, as my friend likes to point out, the truth will set you free.
Filed under: Faith, Family, Learning, Life, mountains | Tagged: abuse, Ghosts, survivors
There is another saying you may find is of benefit when thinking of that freedom and your friend…
“The Price of Freedom Is Eternal Vigilance’
in other words, to keep it we need to be constantly watching for the ways we lose freedoms
also, Truth may well set you free however freeing ourselves from things that have become a part of us will involve previously avoided pain being felt, perhaps for the first time in some unexpected ways..
Ultimately we have to believe the pain will be worth the reward.
<B
Thanks bLove for all your comments and thoughts throughout all of my journey here.
i talk too much
last comment on the 13 ghosts – well done on expressing them so personally and courageously here.
Hoping He helps you overcome them as much as is necessary for this journey.
don’t stop now.
<B
The truth will set free. Anyone who is willing to love it. willing? Dares. God sees this trauma. He is so just. So delicate with His surgeries. So adept with His ministrations. He will in no way leave the guilty unpunished.
That is to say … He sees the trauma as trauma. He sees those who inflict it, and He will repay. He is just enough to understand that He has one enemy – Satan. And human beings He will always handle with care.
Not so black or white, huh?
I feel led to respond to the questions especially the last one. I only have one word for it in my spirit:
FORGIVENESS
You had it in your spirit since you were a child. The enemy has wanted to define it otherwise but God is getting you through this time so you can see it for what it is.
Anger, judgment, punishment etc. is not our job. God is our vindicator. And you’ve known that. As painful as it may have been with the last situation you were obedient to God to forgive. Yes we have to use wisdom even in that and for you it may have been a process getting there but the root of it was still forgiveness regardless. And who said we’re perfect?
I have truly grown and been encouraged by your journey. Thank you for sharing it with me. It spoke to me on a really personal level and compelled me to seek God for my own deliverance concerning some of the same things.
Love you brotha Ric. Blessed to call you brother.
Thanks Braveone. I think you may well be right. When will I get there? I don’t really know.
Having read all your ghost stories they make a nightmare collection of demons. I doubt anyone of us will ever be completely free of our ghosts from the past. For anyone who has lived through the horror that was your childhood those demons from the past must be doubly haunting.
While you may not be completely free from the influence of these ghosts, you have had the courage to not let them control your life. We can see the proof of that in love you now share with your family.
Making the new normal one based on love and family will overcome the old hate filled one from your past.
I missed out on these last few ghosts but it looks like it was worth it for you and it was very moving. Am praying that you enjoy your new normal very much
G
I am adjusting to this new normal, gothiquefae. others in the family, not so much. yet.