“How would you describe your childhood?”

I remember that question being posed to me by the pastor during one of our 3 premarital counseling visits. My fiance and I were recounting our childhood together in his office.

My one word response: “Great!” I lived in denialville.  I went on to explain our family vacations where we would camp on a lake. I proudly reported how we ALWAYS ate dinner together. We went horseback riding on our own horses. Internally, I clung to the very good and disposed the horrific.

As great as the good times were, they did not, do not , and will not compensate for the ugly times. If that were possible, we would not need Christ.

Great is a great word though. Its really jest a vague adjective.

Great fun? Yes.
Great pain? Yes.
Great horror? Well, ok, yes.
Great love? Yes, otherwise I would not be here.

Norman Rockwell's Freedom from Fear, The Saturday Evening Post, February 20, 1943.

Have you ever craved a blessing so much obsessively that you actually became stuck there?

(HT: http://chawedrosin.wordpress.com )

My children learned from me that peace trumps pain every time. Keep the peace — endure personal, intense, life-shattering, traumatic, lonely pain … to keep the peace. I know how to do this well. I am a good teacher. My children are excellent students. My mom does this very well. Some of my siblings do this well. Some siblings would prefer that I continue to practice this learned dysfunctional skill.

But the problem is I know.
I’ve always known.
I’ve endured knowing for decades.
I’ve endured the tears and the uncontrollable crying of those I love.
I’ve endured the pain of abuse,

of being chastised,
of being betrayed,
of being screamed at for knowing,

for knowing and not speaking,
for knowing and speaking,
for fighting and for giving up,
for hiding and for going public.

I have known what it feels like to see the worst in me. I do not need to imagine. I know.

I am tired. Tired of carrying this around. Tired of pretending. Just tired.

We are told to bear each others burdens (Gal 6:2). I am often the one called upon to help someone else. I know how to do that. I am new to calling for help. So, I suppose that is no small part of why I am tired and why I am here.

I had a boss once, lets call him Clyde. Clyde obviously worked out at the gym. His physical appearance commanded a presence in any room. He spoke confidently. When agitated he yelled loudly. A lot. His claim to fame in upper management’s eyes was his ability to drive his development team to meet very tight,  impossible schedules. His not-too-secret secret: intimidation.

Clyde was (and sadly no doubt, still is) an in-your-face-screaming type of motivator. I think this approach works well for him as a coach on the basketball court. And for the most part, it worked in the office if by worked we mean the organization gets people to work long hours and deliver on schedule.

However, many people left. Many people cried. Yes, literally cried in the office. Some people yelled back and some just got up and left, which always made for interesting meetings. Several people gave up time at home with their families because they felt intimidated by Clyde.

Then I come along. I was not intimidated. I did not flinch when he exploded in a meeting. The test manager might start crying. He would keep yelling. Others might return fire. When he had his say, I would affirm his passion and point out that we cannot [get] there from here and proceed to explain why. I would say what others in the room were either too afraid or too upset to say coherently. So, he became very exasperated with me.

He never knew my past. He did not know I had witnessed and experienced far scarier things than a yelling-suit. I think he was relieved to see me move on.

I wonder if subconsciously, I sparred with Clyde because I enjoyed it in some displaced-aggression kind of way. I could point out the technical flaws and make him feel, well, pretty stupid pretty easily. I remember enjoying that part.

As difficult as it was during our time working together, I think God orchestrated our lives to intersect exactly as they did and exactly when they did.

So as difficult as my now might be, the same must hold true.

“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being fabulous-top-of-the-world and 1 being, oh … antidepressants, how are you?

That was the question posed to me yesterday by an old visiting friend at church. As he started his question I was forming a 5-6-7 response in my head. By the end of his question my smile was gone and I applied his scale.

Why do we put we put depression and antidepressants as the indicator of rock-bottom? Is it really rock-bottom? Are there not worst places to find myself? Or am I really a 1 in denial?

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don’t matter and
those who matter don’t mind.

Dr. Seuss

Which sounds good and at first I thought cool, I’m gonna post this. But then I started thinking. Or praying?

Many who matter deeply to me do not mind at all. I love them.

Some who matter deeply to me do mind. I love them too.

And for those who wonder if they don’t matter, well, you do. Matter.

Even the hairs on your head matter.

Not one sparrow falls…

_______________
Thanks to Jonie @ UnchainedDreams for making me think this morning.

Today’s guest post comes another young woman I am equally proud and blessed to call daughter. Yes, I have two daughters. When I read her post, I smiled and thought once again God is teaching me through my children. I guess he knows I will listen to them.

It is better to light the candle than to curse the darkness.

So often life spirals out of control leaving me dizzy and blind. I try so hard to regain my footing and to find the balance I so desire. Like a child spinning in the grass who falls crashing to the ground. Sure it hurt for a fleeting moment, but the joy of standing back up on my own two feet is indescribable.

I run away from my past because it can be too painful to face. What people never told me is that my past holds the key to my future. Everything about who I am comes from my family. I chose to run from them and even hide from them, only to find myself falling to the ground. I think I run from the truth because it is too painful to bear. Opening myself up to the truth can set me free. What I endured has made me who I am today. If I do not face where I came from, I will always have difficulty understanding my present and future.

The obstacles of our past become gateways leading to new beginnings.

I love this song.

Galatians 5:6 in the NIV:  For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

The Message puts it this way: For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love.

In my mind the only thing and something is the one thing.

In the interest of discontinuity, this is how I spent my Saturday last weekend.

Have you ever poured water into you computer? Its feels weird at first.

Here you can see the fins on the radiator

Night Shot

Secrets

Growing up I never thought about how secrets can affect families and relationships. We seem to accept the old adage: What they don’t know won’t hurt them. However, I think being secretive causes the most hurt. I believe we fear what revealed secrets might do to our comfortable relationships instead of what keeping our secrets can do to our children. Whether we are keeping secrets from them or making them keep secrets neither has a positive outlook on your child’s life. Now I am not saying that we should run and tell our young children details of our sexual or mental abuse. I do think we should tell them, as they get older, what happened and that we chose to end it with the truth before it could affect them. I remember learning in history classes, those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

As a child, I wanted nothing more than to be pleasing and to be accepted. I never felt comfortable coming out and giving up my secret. Not once did I believe that anyone in my immediate or extended family would accept me and my secret. I feared they would be angry or disown me, or worse that the attention would be on me. My father has felt some of this sting recently. You see he too held onto secrets — more secrets than me. And maybe because of his secrets – “his family secrets,” I never was comfortable to come forward with mine.

Everyone has different ways of dealing with pain/painful memories. Some can move on without a thought; some can talk about it once and move on; some need to talk it out over and over again; and then others hold on to this until they blow up. I was never taught to deal with pain – I instead picked up the behaviors of my father. I can honestly say I blew up! My outburst, I believe had a direct correlation to my dad’s reaction. Back to Physics class – For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Reactions… depending on your actions your family can have several reactions. Some families believe that because they are related and today all is well, that should be good enough to get along and love one another. But the problem with this type of love is that it is an “only on my terms” kind of love. “When I want to talk to you…”, “when I want to see you…”, or even “when you make me happy…” we are the best of friends and I love you. But this is not the true love we all desire – God’s love – unconditional love. The love that says I can see you are having a rough time and want you to know that I love and support you. I want the best for you. I don’t care about secrets – you are more important. People make bad choices everyday… it’s our job – our responsibility to learn from them to stop history from repeating itself.

My parents were both abused when they were young, but they made it a point to stop the physical abuse from affecting their children. Now I am not saying they were perfect… but I know now that it was their BIGGEST fear to have any of their children to feel any abuse as they did. Unfortunately, they were unable to stop this behavior in their extended family.

I believe, however, if families come together and give up their secrets – they can and will become the family everyone longs for. Now for the challenge – its time to stop the pain, stop the suffering and begin the healing. I know, with God’s help, this can be done. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16